Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Whiney Pants

Perhaps I’m not cut out for this. Perhaps this was a mistake. And now, because I’ve shot my ever-loving mouth off to everyone I know about how freakin’ excited I am to FINALLY go back to school, I’m stuck. Stuck for the next 4 years minimum (through the summers and all) doing something that I really dislike and resent. Brilliant Ashley, just friggin’ brilliant.

I miss my old life. I didn’t realize how amazing it was to be able to go home every night right after work and be able to live my life. To sit and have a long dinner with my husband , to take a walk, to get my waxing done whenever I felt like it, to READ my own books, to exercise, to be able to leave the stressful responsibility at the office until the next morning and just go be me for the rest of the day. I knew the school was going to be crazy, but I had no idea just how crazy it would be. Seriously… every little thing we need/want to do has to be planned out now. There’s no more spontaneity, and really, very little personal life at all.

I live, eat, breathe and sleep school. Yes- I sleep school…. literally. I wake up almost every morning now from a dream that was related to school or thinking about the information I studied the night before. It’s awful. There is constantly something school related hanging over my head…. some upcoming test or assignment that I should be working on, or a reading that I should be doing. Ugh!

I’ve taken on too much and I realize that now. Three courses per term on-top of the commute and my regular Monday to Friday full-time job is just too much for one person. The classes themselves are fine, but it’s when all the assignments and tests start coming up around the same time that it starts to get really overwhelming. But, now that I’ve started it, I think I have to keep going at this pace. If not, I’ll be in school forever and I just want to get it over with. Even at my current pace (9 credits per fall and winter term and 6 per summer term) I won’t finish until December of 2013 (yes, that’s right. In just 4 short years from today I’ll be preparing to write my final exams to complete my degree).

I’m conflicted because I still need/want my degree more than anything, but I’m just wishing that I had done it sooner.

I have options to get out faster:

1. Settle for the Bachelor of Administrative Studies- drop the “honours” part. This gets me out a year earlier, but I forfeit being able to say I have a BAS- Specialized Honours- Management

2. Hope and pray that Bub finds a new job soon that will allow me drop down to working part-time so I can study with a full course load (5 courses per semester). This is the one I am holding the most hope for, but at this point it doesn’t seem likely since I’m the major breadwinner.

I really can’t believe I’m complaining about this. I remember this time last year, when I had no idea that I’d be returning to school, telling my BFF “I’d give anything to go back to school- I really miss it”. HA! Joke’s on you Ashley. You don’t realize how much you settle into adult life after school and forget how hard it is to be a student and constantly be working on deadlines and marks and stress. Studying for exams sucks, writing papers about crap you don’t care about sucks, saving for books and tuition sucks, spending all your non-working and non-class free time doing some kind of assignment…REALLY SUCKS!

I miss feeling like a grown-up and having a life. I miss my husband, my books, my dogs, exercise... money and I needed to whine about it.

Thank GOD I only have 6 more days until exams are over and I have a little break. I just have to suck it up for the next 6 days (oh… and the next four years too).

No comments: