Friday, November 4, 2011


*Please understand in advance what a rambling mess this post is. It's simply word vomit in an attempt to make sense of what I'm feeling. Followers- please don't feel it necessary to waste your time reading this.  It's purely for my own benefit*

Life is hard. 

The 21 days since my last post (and even the week before that) have been filled with a lot of tears, a ton of stress, and almost overwhelming sadness, for reasons that I'm not quite ready to delve into in detail yet. I'll just say that the last month has been, without a doubt, the most trying, exhausting and plain awful month of my life.  I'm trying to count my blessings, I really am. I have my health, I have my amazing family, and they have their health (a fact that, I assure you, does not escape me.  I understand how lucky I am in that way). BUT there's something about the way that my brain is wired that make the bad overshadow the good, and in this case, I can't seem to shake the darkness.

In a family of people who suffer from depression, I've had my share of "funks".  I'm not a stranger to overwhelming feelings of sadness which, most of the time, don't seem to have a specific cause.  Each time is awful in it's own way, but each time I've been able to fight my way through it with a chin up and carry on type of attitude.  It's definitely not easy, but I get through it.  This is different.  This one is really bringing me down, and it has me in a hole so deep I can't seem to find my way out.  I struggle through each day on the verge of tears, just praying for it to end so I can go back to bed.  I wake-up through the night, totally distraught, and then have a very hard time falling asleep.  I don't want to see my family, I can hardly bring myself to talk to my friends, I'm living in a disaster zone, and I haven't had fresh air in days.  I just don't care.

I know that many people would be able to just power through the situation I'm in. I also know that many people are going through a lot of things that they would say are much worse than what I'm dealing with.  I don't doubt that at all. I understand that allowing myself to get this deep into a depression over this is a huge indicator of my weaknesses. I don't need to be told that.  I think that's the biggest part of my problem right now. I'm coming to terms with my failures and poor decisions and the fact that I'm not, nor will I be, the person that I thought I was or that I wanted to be.  Turns out, that's a pretty tough thing to do.

I'm lost right now... and I'm exhausted.  I'm not really sure what to do with myself.  I need to get it together, I just can't figure out how.