Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Baby fever has broken

... somewhat.

I went out with my best friend a couple of weekends ago to check out a new bar… and it was sooooo much fun. I think I realized that night and the following weekend at DH’s “Christmas” party, that I’m not ready to grow-up quite yet.
DH and I are happy at home, watching movies or reading but I’m getting cabin fever more and more often and I miss the days of getting dressed up and going out to have a good time with friends. I’m only 23, but I’ve been a lot older than my years for a long time, and I think I’m regretting it now… not taking advantage of “the fun years” while I could. I was very serious in college, working and going to school full-time and I was just exhausted all the time. I think that I just want to enjoy some time to myself before taking on something so huge and permanently life changing. It's fun to go out dancing and have a few too many drinks. It's a stress reliever and makes me feel totally carefree.

There are still definite “pangs” of baby fever at least a couple of times a day. I think about names, about sleepless nights, about the nursery, about being a mom and Bub being a Dad. We talk about it all the time, but I think what I need to realize is that we are very young, and therefore it’s not a case of now or never. Yes- we have been married for 2.5 years, and together for 8, and yes- it seems like the next logical step, but who says it has to be now or even in the next year? There’s no law against taking some time to enjoy being young and “responsibility free” , although home ownership and careers put somewhat of a damper on that. I think we can wait.

And what does “wait” mean? I don’t know and I don’t think I need to define it. Even if we wanted to , we wouldn’t TTC now because we have some stuff to do first, but maybe it means 6 months, maybe it means 2 years? Who knows… I think it just means “when we’re ready”.

Daddy's Girl

Today is a good day! My Dad arrived this morning. He flew in to Toronto, rented a car and drove right to my Nan’s. Then, he came over to meet me on my lunch. It’s nice to have some time just him and I because when he’s here I have to share him with my DH, sister and nephew… in addition to the rest of the family that he tries to see when he’s here. I had to work today, as well as tomorrow, but I took Thursday and Friday off so I can spend the time with him. My sister couldn’t the same days off, and my nephew has school (he's in grade 8), and that sucks in some ways, but in others, again, it’s nice to hang out with him alone. My sister and my Dad couldn’t be more different, where my Dad and I are exactly the same, so we enjoy doing the same stuff together. We’ll probably go hiking or down to T.O. to shop… whatever it is will be fun!

We’re heading downtown tonight for Barrielicious. It’s an annual festival where all the privately owned restaurants in town (and there are MANY good ones) serve a three course meal for 20.09 (in 2008 it was 20.08, 2007 it was 20.07 etc). It’s to promote the locally owned businesses. I was looking at the menu for the restaurant we are going to tonight and it looks fantastic. Screw healthy eating today!!!!

I’m really excited because this will be the first time my Dad has seen our house. The last time he was here (last February for my sisters 30th), we were still in the apartment. I have a couple of things that I need him to do for me while he’s here (DH is not a very handy person). He was a general contractor when I was a kid so most of this stuff will be really simple for him to do.
At some point we’re going to do “Christmas” as well. I’m totally lost as to what to get for him or my step-mom especially since it has to be small enough to go back on the plane. Since they are renovating their house, my sister suggested we split a Home Depot gift card. It may seem impersonal, but they will appreciate it since they are spending a ton of money on the reno’s. I think that’s what we’ll end up doing.

I just want to leave. It’s really hard to be at work when I know he’s here because I know that time is limited before he’ll leave and I feel like I’m wasting it at work. Oh well… one more day and then it’s 4 days straight of Daddy/Daughter time.
Yes… you can say it. I’m a total Daddy’s girl and generally at peace with it! J Have a good week everyone!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

All over the place!

I have so much I want to write about, so this may turn in to several posts.

Topic 1: The Inauguration- I'll keep this brief. I was sooo excited about this. I watched it all day at work on my computer and then was glued to CNN last night. I have been following Obama since before he announced his candidacy and LOVE him. I don't know what it is, but he (along with his wife and girls) is a captivating person. Even though I'm not American (nor do I live in the US) I think that this was a piece of history that everyone should have witnessed. But it's not just the fact that he's the first AA President, it's that I truly believe he is the best thing to happen to the US in a really long time. I think if anyone can make a difference and make the changes happen, it's him.

Topic 2: My In-Laws- I am making a concious effort not to bad mouth my in-laws after the fight (fight is an understatement) my husband and I had this weekend *see previous post for details*. It's really hard to do because most of them make my blood absolutely boil on a regular basis, but when it doesn't directly affect me, I am determined to keep my mouth shut for Bub's sake. We may have to discuss this issue a little further and make it a rule not to talk about them at all. I've never been one to keep my opinions to myself, so if I don't have any info to have an opinion on, it will be much easier. That may sound unfair to H, but I can't make-up nice things to say about them, so it's better to not say anything.

Topic 3: My job- well it still sucks the big one and leaves me totally drained every day. I have a sense of absolute dread on my way to the office every single morning. It's an awful way to live. I have a feeling the pitch has been made to lay me off. We'll see what happens over the next couple of weeks. I don't want to talk about it any more than that so.... moving on.

Topic 4: My Dad is coming for a week! He flys in next Tuesday and will be staying with my Nan. I'm super excited since I haven't seen him since last summer. I'm a Daddy's girl so I always enjoy when he's here. I was able to take the Thursday and Friday of the week he is here off which will give me 4 straight days to visit with him. It will be the first time he's seen our house so I have a lot of work to do before he arrives.

I have one more thing I want to talk about, but I think it's worthy of it's own post. Stay tuned.

World War III

So DH and I had the biggest fight of our marriage on Saturday afternoon. It was awful. It left me feeling like crap.

We woke up Saturday morning a decided to get dressed and do some running around together. Then we were going to go to the flea market and pick up some dinner. The phone rings and it's his brother asking for a ride home from Toronto (where he works out of- he's a trucker and that's where the companys HQ is). I was pissed for several reasons:

1- we were literally walking out the door when he called and because we only have 1 car it means that I am now stuck at home.
2- Toronto is an hour away + the time it takes to maneuver around the city depending on traffic (at least 30 minutes), so this isn't just a quick pick-up... it was going to take up a good portion of the day round trip.
3- BIL is the lasiest person I know... literally. He didn't want to get on the bus (he wouldn't admit that, but it he had 1000 reasons why he couldn't when I suggested it) and hadn't planned in advance for the ride. This is just too far away to call at the moment you need the ride and be like "hey, can you swing down to TO, take 3-4 hours out of your day, and pick me up.... oh and by the way, can you drop whatever your doing and leave right now because I'm sitting here waiting and didn't have the forethought to plan for a ride"?
4- His brother would NEVER do this for him unless he benefitted somehow.
5- DH's family (especially his siblings) walk all over him. Both BIL and SIL are older than he is and they both live at home with MIL (yes that's right... BIL is 30 and SIL is 28... they're real winners) they both get jobs for a couple of weeks make some $$ and then quit. They mooch from EVERYONE but think they're both the cat's ass and they take advantage of DH's big heart all the time. It's sad that the little brother is constantly supporting his two older siblings. It makes me furious.

I told DH that I was pissed and told him he needed to learn how to stand up for himself. I also said that if he really wanted to go get his brother that he should stand-up for himself against me right then and there and say so, but he didn't say anything. Then it went from bad to worse (and got blown way out of proportion) with him slamming the bathroom door in my face and screaming some obscenity at me ( I don't honestly remember what he was responding to). I lost it and we started screaming at eachother. He screamed something to the effect of "if it was your sister, you would go in a minute, but because it's my brother and he's a f**k up you get pissed off."

There was screaming, a phone thrown (not at anyone, just thrown in general), several doors slammed and DH almost punched the wall. I saw what he was about to do and yelled that if he put a hole in my drywall that he was not to come home that night (I won't tolerate that). He stopped, but then riverted to being a child because I said something about him not effing punching my walls and he started play punching them saying "ohh I'm punching them.. does it make you mad". I LOST it... I was so furious that he was being so childish (he's never been like that before and I've known him my whole life). He screamed "f**k you, you know that... f**k you!" He was totally flipping out. I told him he wasn't going anywhere in the car until he calmed down (I didn't need him getting behind the wheel in a rage) and he said "oh yes I am" and kept repeating that. Fianlly I remembered that his brother was calling back with directions so I told him that even if he wanted to he couldn't leave yet because he didn't know where he was going. He sat on the couch staring while I took the directions down from his brother and then I said "here's the directions, his # is on there if you get lost and this argument isn't over". Then I stood in front of the door to make sure he was calm before leaving and I could tell he wasn't angry any more but upset and I said "what the hell was that about.. what's wrong" He said "well I don't like the fact that I just freaked out at you" and I said "neither do I, but nevermind that, what lead to the freak out? Why are you so mad at me?" He said that it's my opinion of his family that made him so mad. I told him that he needs to tell me when I'm doing/ saying something that he doens't like BEFORE it gets to freak out point because I won't live with it. Usually he agrees with me about his family or he just doesn't say anything, so how am I supposed to know when I'm pissing him off? And I told him flat out that I just wanted him to stand up for himself and even if that was with me... the whole "if you want to pick him up then stand up to me and say so" and yet he didn't say anything even when I laid the chance out in front of him. He bottled it up until he exploded. I said that if he ever got that mad again and started punching holes in my walls that we would be done because I can't deal with it. I said we need to talk about this stuff BEFORE that kind of anger erupts. He just sat there in silence. I suddenly started crying (out of shear anger) and walked upstairs saying "don't take your anger out on the car. Calm down before you get on the road". He yelled good bye but I was too mad to respond.

When he came home I hear "hi hunny!" He comes up, gives me a tea and says "what do you want for dinner?". This made me furious because I wasn't done being mad at him yet and we weren't done talking about it. I made that quite clear.

We're fine now, but it was bar far the biggest and worst fight we've had since being married (2.5 years ago). I never want to have to deal with it again... so I'm going to have to REALLY watch what I say about his family from now on because it obviously bothers him far more than I realized, and he's going to have to learn to communicate with me when something is bothering him.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Why Did We EVER Buy A House?

Bub was partying in Toronto last night for his buddies birthday, so I was home alone for the night. I usually LOVE time to myself.... have a bath, read like crazy, watch CNN, make something fantastic for dinner.... but last night I just wasn't feeling it. I went to Wal-Mart out of boredom and was checking out paint samples for our bedroom and realized that we still haven't painted the god-awful PINK (and I mean BARBIE pink) spare bedroom. So, I picked up some primer, brushes etc. and decided I would spend my Saturday night getting it ready to paint.

Well... I have never painted before and let me tell you, it SUCKS! I guess I just don't have that gene that allows me to enjoy the decorating process. I have great ideas in my head of what I want my house to look like, but I just don't have the desire (or $$ for that matter) to actually do it. It took me 3 hours and 1/2 a gallon of paint to do 2 walls (this does not include edging which I didn't have the step latter to do- although I did have a few small screw holes to patch and sand). Not only that, but it looked like CRAP! I decided to go to bed and get up early and try again. I think this morning was even worse. The room looks like I let a 3 year old go nuts in it. I tried to edge this afternoon and it's not working and looks terrible. The paint is streaky, it just won't cover the god awful pink and it's going on totally unevenly. I don't know it's it's me, or if I bought bad primer and/or tools.

To top it all off the arthritis in my hands made it so painful that it was all I could do to keep going. My fingers are now so swollen that they look like sausages.

When Bub got home I asked him for help and he couldn't do any better than I was doing. The room is now a lovely combination of white and pink with some of the edging half-ass done and some not at all. It's disgusting. So, needless to say, I gave up. How much time am I supposed to spend on this? It's an 8x10 room and I worked for hours on it and now I have used 3/4 of a gallon of primer!!! Something is not right. Apparently I'm just not meant to paint.

I took the tape off and threw out the drop cloths (they were disposable) and when the primer dries I will move the furniture and boxes that were in the room, back in. I'm just going to have to live with it until I can afford to hire someone to come in and do it, which will probably be years because we're so friggin' broke.

My Mum offered to come and help me, but the key word is HELP, and I want nothing to do with it. It was way to frustrating and literally painful for me and I was almost in tears. Actually I am almost in tears right now because I feel like an idiot. I can't do any of the stuff that I should be able to do when it comes to my house. I'm not handy, I can't paint, I can't afford to do the little things that need to be done to the house (never mind the big things).
I miss my apartment. I've been feeling like this about the house for a while now and although that makes me feel guilty, it's true. We always pay the bills, there's never any question of that, but there's not much left over. I don't know how we're supposed to save for a new roof or to fix the kitchen cabinets and I'm dipping into the TINY (and I mean TINY) savings we have for paint supplies. I used to think money was tight when we lived in the apartment, but thinking back, I should have had oddles of cash. I was making the same then as I am now and there were a lot fewer bills. What I wouldn't give to go back to that.

I have this ever growing list of things that I don't like about the house (some of them drive me CRAZY) and we've only been here since the end of September. None of these things are in our power to fix either. They're either permanent issues or things that would require major renos that we could never afford.

I never thought after years of wanting to buy a house so desperately, that once I/we finally got one I would resent it as much as I do sometimes.

I sound like a bitter cry-baby, and I guess today that's what I am.