Failure

The past 2 weeks have been absolutely crazy as far as school goes.  My accelerated class was winding down and is now officially done (I wrote the final on Saturday) and I am in mid-terms for my other classes.

I write my MODES test tonight and am not worried about it.  I really like the class and pulled of 93% on the last test so I think I'll be ok. 

I wrote my statistics exam last Saturday and boy did it S.U.C.K.  I spent hours and hours studying, crafting an effective reference sheet (we were allowed to take 1 page of formulas into the exam) and running through practice questions.  As hellish as it was, the studying went really well.  Too well actually.  In the days leading up to the exam, I mentioned to Bub a couple times that it was "too easy" and it was making me nervous.  Well... my gut was right. It was too easy. 

I arrived at the exam and the nerves hit me the a load of bricks.  I had major butterflies in my tummy, my palms were sweating and I'm sure a good wind would have caused a sandstorm in mouth it was so dry. I normally get a little nervous before exams, but this was beyond anything I'd experienced.

The first part of the test was multiple choice.  I got through the first 5ish questions pretty easily and my confidence started to increase..... but then reality set in.  My system for MC is to go through and answer all the questions I'm sure about first, leaving little ticks beside questions I'm not sure about so I can go back and think about them later.  By the time I reached the end of the section, I had more ticks than I did completed questions.  PANIC.  That's the only word to describe it.  I felt my face flush and my heart start to pound..... and I froze.  I gathered my wits enough to make some educated guesses (and even more random guesses) and then move onto the next part- the short-answer/problem questions. 

The first question was a breeze.  I answered all but 1 part (that I had never even heard of) and was feeling better thinking "okay- I'll make up the marks with the problems".   WRONG.  I answered question 1, maybe 1/4 of question 2 and questions 3-5?  Blank.  Yep.... blank.  I had no clue what I was doing. I didn't even know where to start with them.  I spent the last 45 minutes of the exam flipping between the questions and my references sheet desperately trying to see something that I hadn't yet seen.  I was waiting for the lightbulb to come on and it never did. Finally, with only 15 minutes left to write and feeling my blood pressure at a boiling point, I gathered my stuff and handed in what little I had completed, and left.

I felt defeated, shocked and ready to curl up in a little ball to cry for hours. I've never EVER done so poorly on an exam.... and I knew I had failed or come extremely close to it. However, as some may remember, we were hosting a Halloween Party that evening which had already started without me (pics and post to come later this week), so I had to suck it up and get home to help Bub.  I called him, told him that the exam went terribly and I didn't want to talk about it when I go home and then we went on with our plans as usual. 

I have to say, it really took the wind out of my sails for a couple of days.  I was so upset and disappointed with myself.  I was embarrassed and just really really sad.  I woke up Sunday morning clutching my stomach and thought many times of just giving up on school altogether.... because of one class.  Yeah... I'm a little hard on myself when it comes to school.  I realize now that that's not a solution and am becoming more at peace with it... but I still have a hard time thinking about how poorly I did after all my preparation.

My plan now is to wait and see what the mark is.  If I somehow pulled a passing grade out of my rear (which I'm 99.9% sure I didn't) I will pay a tutor, continue with the class, and just try to get it over with.  It's a mandatory class so I might as well push through.  If I didn't, I will be dropping the class to re-take at a later date.  I can't afford a) the pressure it would cause to bring a failing grade up to an acceptable level, and b) to have a grade from 1 class pull my average down the tubes while I'm still trying to have them approve my degree change.

So... I'm waiting it out.  On the plus side, my HR class is done, after tonight I will only have 1 more test for my MODES class this term (in December) and if I drop the stats class I won't have to worry about it..... which all means that I'd have 1 class per week with no assignments or tests to worry about until December and no exams during the exam period!  That does sound kind of tempting doesn't it?