Friday, April 3, 2009

Why must I wear all my emotions on my face?

I blush soooooooooooooooooooooooooo easily and very vibrantly. Even if I'm not really embarassed, my face says different. I'm a fairly confident person when it comes to public speaking, talking with my superiors etc. I don't get nervous, I don't worry about it, even for speeches and toasts (i.e. weddings and b-day parties) I don't have a plan, I don't pre-write anything, I just wing it because I'm confortable in front of crowds. But my face always, always, always looks like a tomato!!!!!!! THAT is embarassing, which in turn makes me go even redder. It's a viscious cycle.

When I am actually embarassed, which can happen fairly easily too (I'm pretty sensitive about certain things) I go so red that it looks like my head might explode. I even talked to my doctor about it because a couple people had said they were concerned about my blood pressure, but she checked and my blood pressure is perfectly normal. I dread the next thing that may embarass me because I can't just shrug it off. It's obvious to the world that I'm mortified and that makes it worse. People always feel the need to point it out too "look at you blush... blah blah blah" and it makes me want to punch someone. I feel like saying "oh really? I'm blushing? I couldn't FEEL the blood and heat rushing to my cheeks... so thanks for pointing that out to everyone".

When I get mad, my face and neck go red... it looks like my blood is literally boiling, which is why that's one of my favorite terms to use when I'm super pissed off. This I don't mind. I'm so fired up by that point anyway that I don't notice until later. It's just very obvious to those around me that they need to back off and give me a chance to recover.
When I get really super angry or overly frustrated I cry. This is especially lovely in a confrontation with a co-worker or boss when your trying deperately to get your point across and then you start to feel the tears well up and the lump form. It's not because I'm sad or that my feelings are hurt.... it's just the only way the emotion can get out. It makes me feel weak. When it comes to confrontation, I welcome it... enjoy sometimes if it means that progress can be made, so I hate appearing to be weak.

I wish so desperately that I could control these things because they make me feel totally stupid. Hopefully I will "grow out of it"... but I think it' actually getting worse!

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