Monday, April 13, 2009

What is with this time of year? (+ a b-day weekend recap)

The weekend was good. Brunch and dinner of Friday were great, breakfast was good on Saturday, but DH got drunk with his Dad on Saturday afternoon at a local sports bar so we forfeited his b-day dinner and just ordered pizza before everyone arrived for his b-day party that night. We had a good # of people show up and I had a really good time, but I’m always embarrassed the next day when I think about how drunk I was the night before. This time I really didn’t do anything to be embarrassed about, but still, I’m sure I looked a little crazy. We went downtown at about 11:30 and luckily didn’t hit a line to get into the bar so I got a good couple hours of drinks and dancing in down there. Yesterday we literally laid around all day. I had to stay in bed until the “bodies” got up and made their way home (we had 4 people back at our house to crash and they were sleeping randomly around the house). Then I migrated to the couch and spent most of the day watching the Masters golf tournament while drifting in and out of sleep. As lovely as this sounds, I HATE days like that. I felt disgusting and it felt like a waste, but I had no energy for anything else. We had Taco Bell for lunch and Subway for dinner…. I wasn’t cooking anything.

I feel strange lately. I get like this from time to time (and it’s usually around this time of year) where I’m just feeling “down”. I was going through my blog posts and I have a “I’m feeling depressed” post from right around this time last year. It’s strange, but it’s just me I guess.

I have no desire to be close to my husband right now. I don’t want him to touch me, I don’t want to cuddle, I don’t want to kiss… I just want to be alone. We’re fighting constantly because I’m not being very nice. I think he senses that something is wrong, but he’s not a talker so he’s just dealing with it the only way he knows how, which is by trying to be close to me, but that’s just making it worse for me. I feel terrible for him because he has the biggest heart and is so sensitive, but for some reason I just can’t bring myself to be nice to him. It was a strain all day Saturday to be patient and nice with him on his birthday (although I did manage). I feel like a terrible wife but I think what I need is a break. I need to go away for a night or two alone (no friends or family) and just regroup. Too bad I’m too broke for that.

I can’t find joy in anything I do right now. I haven’t read a book from cover to cover almost 2 months (if you knew me, you’d know this is REALLY strange). I keep picking one up, reading a couple pages and then putting it down. I can’t get into anything. Every night after dinner I go to bed and watch TV. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. I'm eating pretty crappy and not exercising. I haven't run in weeks and my gym membership expired so I haven't been swimming either. I just want to be alone. I’m hoping this passes soon. For my husband’s sake, as well as my own, I don’t want to deal with this for long. I hate feeling like a slug all the time.

I’ve decided to try to pull myself out of it tonight. DH and I are going to go for a walk out in the country, we’re going to bbq for dinner and I’m picking up the new book by my fav author, so hopefully that will pull me out of my slump. Fingers crossed that DH and I can weather this storm and come out of it in one piece.

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