Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The "Fat Girl" Mentality.

Ummmmmmmmmm.... so I'm wearing a new pair of jeans today... in a size fricking SIX!!!!

WHAT?!?! I don't wear size 6, I wear size 18. I'm not the thin friend. I'm the overweight but loveable one.  I'm the big one in the bridal party. I'm the bulging bride. I'm the girl who's always tugging on her clothes never quite comfortable.

But wait.  None of that is true anymore.  60lbs and 12 dress sizes later I should be able to say with confidence that I am now officially thin.  I should be able to look in the mirror and see the skinny girl that I always dreamed of being.  But it doesn't always work that way.  I still cringe when I catch my reflection before getting in the shower.  I still see major flaws; stretch marks, jiggly arms and a flabby tummy (I'm not imagining these things either... they're still very much a problem).  I still don't wear a bikini or anything with spaghetti straps and I certainly don't think to call my other thin friends to borrow a dress or cute outfit when I'm in need.  In my head, although I've been successfully keeping the weight off for 2 years now, I'm still the fat girl.  It doesn't depress me the way it used to because I know, when I actually think about it, that I'm now a healthy weight and size, but sometimes I forget and it's more that I'm just conditioned to think like I used to... as an overweight, underconfident person. 

That's why, when my Mum says she picked me up a pair of jeans and I look at the tag and it says size 6, I scoff.  But then when I try them on and they zip right up I can't help give an audible squee.  There's part of me that wants to walk around with the tags still on so that people can see what size I am, or respond to "cute jeans" with "Thanks! There a six" and then happy dance out of the office. 

The fact is, my body is not perfect.  I did a lot of damage to it when I gained so much weight so quickly.  I'm covered in stretch marks that will never go away, I have pockets of jiggly leftover skin that will prevent me from ever having that killer stomach and I have the emotional scars that come from really hating my body and being uncomfortable in my own skin..... but I now consider them my battle wounds.  I worked really hard to lose that weight.  Over 60lbs came off because I walked, swam or ran daily. Because I changed my eating habits and took control over my addiction to food.  I never deprived myself, I never cut anything out, I didn't use any diets or pills or surgery... I just changed my lifestyle and worked my butt off. 

My body knows that it's thin now.  My body knows that I'm a size 6 (or 8 or 10.. depending which jean designer you ask).  I just wish that I could get my brain to catch-up.

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