Admitting I Need Help

I have an amazing life.

I have a husband that defies all logic. He cooks, he cleans, he takes care of the yard, he waits on me hand and foot, he never gets mad at me, he actually argues with me over who gets to take care of the baby. He's amazing. 

I have a beautiful, healthy baby girl who is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. She's happy, and growing like a weed. She changes every day and makes me smile all the time. I really truly can't believe how much I love her.

I have a home, my awesome family is healthy, I have my pups and  I'm picking away at my degree.

My life sounds pretty good right? And it is. I know how lucky I am, and I wouldn't give them up for the world. But.....

I'm struggling.  This happens to me from time to time, and usually it passes.  Last year was an exception when I lost my job. I remember feeling like I was in a really deep hole that I just couldn't climb out of.  I don't ever want to get back to that low, it was the worst I've ever been, but at least at that point, I knew the reason for it. I knew, deep down, that one day I'd have a job again and I'd be able to "get over it".  This time, I can feel myself slipping into that hole again, with almost unbearable anxiety and depression over things that are completely out of my control and that there really may be no solution to.

I'm not sleeping, I'm on the verge of tears a lot of the time, my stomach is in knots, I have panic attacks.... and I can't concentrate. I'm simply having trouble finding any joy.  If it weren't for Adelaide, I'd probably be in bed under the covers for 99% of the day. She's my only reason to smile. 

I realize that it's time to get help. With my family's history of mental illness, I know that I can't let myself get worse without doing something.  I don't know what form of help I need yet, but I'm starting by talking to my doc.  I'm hoping she'll refer me to a Psychiatrist and I can go from there. I don't know if I'll need medication to handle things (I'd like to avoid that if possible) or if there are some coping strategies she might be able to help me with.

Something's gotta give.  I have to find a way to handle these thoughts and anxieties so that I can live my life and fully enjoy my daughter.  I'm willing to try anything to get back to "normal". 

My poor, sad blog.

I've clearly been neglecting my little blog this year. I was shocked to pop over and see that my last posts was so many months ago.  How things have changed since then.

Well, it's high time I start posting again. I'll reserve baby and parenting related stuff for my other blog (which I started for the sole purpose of having somewhere to get my thoughts on "paper") and try to start posting reviews and other random stuff here again.

I've missed it. I need it. So here it goes.

2011 in Review

2011 was a year of ups and downs to say the least. 

In February we decided to investigate moving out east or even overseas while I finished my business degree.  After much research I applied the UPEI and anxiously waited to hear back.  Unfortunately, because of the way the University handles transfer credits, I was unable to accept my position in their program without setting myself back by over a year academically.  We were definitely disappointed, and still talk often about moving there sometime soon.

In April we went on our first all-inclusive vacation to Cuba.  To say that we loved it would be the understatement of the century.  We enjoyed every single second of swimming, eating, drinking, relaxing, reading, snorkelling, scootering and sleeping, and we can't wait to go back.

In May, I attended my first book signing with Veronica Roth and Lauren Oliver.  I was a total spaz, but it was really cool and got me prepared for the nerdy adventure of a lifetime that was to come later in the year.



In July we spent Canada Day with Weezer and the ever incredible Tragically Hip.  They were fantastic as always, and it was the perfect way to celebrate being Canadian.



In August, we spent our vacation at "camp" with my Dad and step-mom just outside of Thunder Bay.  While we never seem to have great weather while we're there, it's still a ton of fun.  This year included boating, lots oc campfires, ghost hunting and definitely a lot of beer.  Unfortunately, I didn't take any pictures... but we really had a great time.

September brought with it an epic trip to Decatur (Atlanta) Georgia for the Decatur Book Festival.  It was a whirlwind weekend of book love, good friends, good food and nerdy wonderfulness.

I also spent a weekend refinishing my kitchen cupboards which, to most people, would be really boring... but I had wanted to get it done for 3 years, so it was really nice to finally accomplish the task I'd been dreading.



September also brought the most life altering piece of news I've ever received.....



nothing has been quite the same since that exact moment.

After the absolutely amazing news of September, October not only brought first trimester morning sicknss and exhaustion, but also the news that my job was being eliminated. The panic and then almost comatose state that followed brought the longest two months of my life.  It wasn't until December that I really started to pull out of it and get back to "normal". 

Luckily, November had it's high points as well.  First we had an epic trip to Staniel Cay (in the Bahama's) to attend my favorite Uncle's wedding.  I still haven't done a full post on that trip and really need to get around to it so I can record it for memory, but here's sneak peek.

Yep- those are swimming pigs.  In the wild.

Our cottages

And just one week after returning from our wonderful vacation, we got our first peek at this little thing....

Cute, right?... RIGHT?!

What do you mean it looks like a blob? I think it's the most adorable baby EVER.

December was jam packed with a crazy exam schedule and then the holidays... it just flew by.

So, here's to 2012.  The year that I start many new adventures.  The year I start a new career, the year I become a Mom and a year of many unknowns.  The one thing I know is that 2011 made me stronger, smarter and far more appreciate of the little things.  I what I've learned will last.

2011 in Books

I know this is late coming.  Actually drafted this blog almost 2 weeks ago and didn't publish... so here it is.

While I read disappointingly few books in 2011, I did have a great year in terms of some really great 4 and 5 star reads.  As always, I thought I'd recap my favorites, and some disappointments, of the year.

The Best of 2011 (5 star reads)

The Bronze Horseman - Paulina Simons

Delirium - Lauren Oliver

Divergent- Veronica Roth

Lola and the Boy Next Door- Stephanie Perkins

Water for Elephants- Sara Gruen

Anna and the French Kiss- Stephanie Perkins

Forever- Maggie Stiefvater

Disappointments of 2011

Crescendo (Hush, Hush # 2)- Becca Fitzpatrick

Shadow Hills - Anastasia Hopcus

Book Review- Belly Laughs: The Naked Truth About Pregnancy and Childbirth by Jenny McCarthy

The only word I can really think of to describe this book is cute.  It's not so much an educational book on pregnancy as it is a book to tell you that you're not alone.  It was refreshingly (and humorously) honest, and totally bang on in a lot of areas.  I had many "YES!" moments when she'd describe a symptom or emotion that I'd been feeling, but wasn't sure was normal.

The writing isn't spectacular, but I don't think that's the point. It's written in a conversational way that makes you feel like you're chatting with a girl friend over drinks, and you almost forget that you're reading.

It's an easy, short read that can be finished in one quick sitting, and for any one who, like me, is waiting for the "magic" of pregnancy to kick in (you know, like those women who loooooved being pregnant...???) it's reassuring to see that you're not the only one struggling a little.  Even for someone with the money and time for personal trainers and stylists and gym memberships, pregnancy wasn't always the miracle happy time that we're often led to believe that it is.  If the weight gain and exhaustion and emotions and self consciousness get the better of even a former Playmate, there may be hope for me yet.

I really recommend this to all women who are expecting or who are TTC.  BUT.... be prepared. She's crass, super blunt and she doesn't hold back. This book certainly isn't for the more conservative crowd. She tells it like it is, and I enjoyed it thoroughly.

My Christmas wish for everyone this year.....

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Let your heart be light

Next year all our troubles will be out of sight.

Update: Getting back in the (new) swing

So, with the exception of yesterdays poll, it's been over a month since my last post and yet again there have been many changes.  I'm at place now where I feel like I can share what was troubling me so, but I won't bother with the long and drawn out details.  Just  a general gist and an update.

At the beginning of October, I found out that I was going to be laid-off.  After a long and drawn out couple of weeks, I learned that they planned to keep me until the end of they year, but then I would be jobless.  This news on its own would normally have been difficult enough to hear, but it was shared with me exactly 7 days after I found out that I was expecting our first baby.  7 days of sheer,  over-the-moon joy (and shock) were replaced by panic and the most severe depression I've ever fallen into.  Then to add to it, I got very sick.  Exhaustion and nausea day in and day out. 

I knew that the pregnancy and its required time off with many doctors visits, impending maternity leave (etc.) made me a less than attractive candidate for new work.  To add to that, I applied for several jobs everyday for a month and only got one interview out of the whole batch.  I was so terrified that I was bringing this baby into the world at a time where I wouldn't be able to provide for him or her in the way that I had always planned.  How would I buy the supplies we need, or pay the bills, or even afford to buy maternity clothes?  All these questions weighed heavy on me to the point where I was having difficulty with normal day-to-day tasks.

But, by mid-November, after over a month of living in a state of total anxiety, the words of my parents and friends started to sink in. I realized that, regardless of what my job situation was or how much I worried, this baby was still coming in June and I needed to pull myself together.  I have an awesome family, a great husband, and we'll make this work.  It will be a struggle and I'm still terrified (and stressed), but I've been able to find the joy in my pregnancy again, and have started to function at a somewhat normal level. 

So, with work winding down (although there's talks of more temporary work with the same company after the holidays) I'm just trying to get prepared for the year or so to come.  Trying to work out a budget, trying to figure out what my options are in terms of a job... all that jazz.  It's still a work in progress, but there's a small part of me that excited for the unknown. It's the first time in my life that I haven't had everything planned out, and it's refreshing on some level.

So that's it. I'm coming back.  Slowly but surely.  And for all my followers, don't worry. I don't plan to bore you with endless details about my pregnancy and baby.  I've started a new blog for the express purpose of journaling my pregnancy.... and I don't expect followers.  Online friends, please don't feel pressured. It's just way for me to keep track on what I'm thinking and feeling.  I'm also throwing the odd belly picture in too.

Hopefully I'll be back to update on some book reviews and on what's gone on over the last few months; including a whirlwind trip to the Bahamas that I need to document before I forget the details.

Oh! And Happy Christmas Week.  It's my favorite time of the year.