Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Admitting I Need Help

I have an amazing life.

I have a husband that defies all logic. He cooks, he cleans, he takes care of the yard, he waits on me hand and foot, he never gets mad at me, he actually argues with me over who gets to take care of the baby. He's amazing. 

I have a beautiful, healthy baby girl who is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. She's happy, and growing like a weed. She changes every day and makes me smile all the time. I really truly can't believe how much I love her.

I have a home, my awesome family is healthy, I have my pups and  I'm picking away at my degree.

My life sounds pretty good right? And it is. I know how lucky I am, and I wouldn't give them up for the world. But.....

I'm struggling.  This happens to me from time to time, and usually it passes.  Last year was an exception when I lost my job. I remember feeling like I was in a really deep hole that I just couldn't climb out of.  I don't ever want to get back to that low, it was the worst I've ever been, but at least at that point, I knew the reason for it. I knew, deep down, that one day I'd have a job again and I'd be able to "get over it".  This time, I can feel myself slipping into that hole again, with almost unbearable anxiety and depression over things that are completely out of my control and that there really may be no solution to.

I'm not sleeping, I'm on the verge of tears a lot of the time, my stomach is in knots, I have panic attacks.... and I can't concentrate. I'm simply having trouble finding any joy.  If it weren't for Adelaide, I'd probably be in bed under the covers for 99% of the day. She's my only reason to smile. 

I realize that it's time to get help. With my family's history of mental illness, I know that I can't let myself get worse without doing something.  I don't know what form of help I need yet, but I'm starting by talking to my doc.  I'm hoping she'll refer me to a Psychiatrist and I can go from there. I don't know if I'll need medication to handle things (I'd like to avoid that if possible) or if there are some coping strategies she might be able to help me with.

Something's gotta give.  I have to find a way to handle these thoughts and anxieties so that I can live my life and fully enjoy my daughter.  I'm willing to try anything to get back to "normal". 


Big A said...

I'm sorry you're struggling again, but thankful that you're seeking help. you are one brave mama and I hope everything turns around again for you soon.

- Andrea (from the nest)

Tameka said...

*hugs* I am no stranger to the feelings that you're feeling. I'm happy you're getting help and that you're able to find the best solution for you! I'm rooting for you friend! <3

Jennie said...

Big hugs Ashley!

Maybe getting out and talking to someone would be a good idea. Sometimes just letting those emotions and words out can help.

I'm thinking of you. <3