Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I'm not a very good person

I came to the realization recently that I am not a very good person. Oh I come across to those I meet as sweet and funny and positive... but deep down, that's just not me and I think people who've known me for a while know it, but just don't say anything.

I'm judgemental- although not out loud, I have some not so nice thoughts about a lot of people. I wish I didn't have them, but I do. And then when I decide for sure that I don't like someone... I have nothing nice to say. Take my SIL for example. She drives me CRAZY and I have said awful things about her in the past, many, many times. How does that make me any better than her? Who am I to judge people when I'm a pretty crappy person myself. I have a tendancy to talk like I'm superior to some people... and although I know it's just not true, I continue to do it.

I'm a Liar- this is something that I've tried to stop doing, and have done pretty well, but in my teenage years and even early in my relationship with my husband I lied.. A LOT. It got me into a lot of trouble because I couldn't keep the lies straight even though they were about ridiculous things that didn't effect anyone but me(such as "I'm a competative dancer"). When I felt I was lacking somewhere I would make something up and then it just became habit. I lost a lot of friends because of this. In my mid-teens I lied and said that I had done some pretty hard core drugs with a non-existent group of friends, just so that I could be included in a conversation. From then on I just stuck with the story because I liked the shock value. WTF!!!!! WHO LIES ABOUT DOING DRUGS???? I've never done anything more than smoked a joint and even that I've only done maybe half a dozen times my whole life and not in YEARS! I HATE drugs!

I'm Mean: I get really easily frustrated, stressed and angry and then take it out on the wrong people... usually my husband. He'll ask me the simplest question like "what do you want for dinner" and I'll respond with something like "why do you always ask me that? Learn to make decisions for yourself". I can be a HUGE *** a lot of the time and no matter how hard I try to change it, that's just what ends up happening.
I can't take criticism or admit to mistakes: at work, if anything happens that looks like it may be my fault, my first instinct is to try to find a way to say that it wasn't actually my fault and place the blame elsewhere. The sad thing is, it usually works, at least in part, and I get off the hook. I don't deserve to, but I do.

I thrive on drama: this is one of the things that I just noticed about myself. I enjoy drama.... family drama, friend drama... whatever it may be. I HATE THAT! I wish I could just deal with things as they come, like my Mom does, calmly and maturley. Instead, I have the tendancy to freak out! I get mad, or cry or blow things out of proportion and it's sooooo stupid. It makes my life miserable along with the people around me.

What is my problem? Why can't I just be normal? I really don't like myself lately.

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