While I've been open and honest with my husband and parents that I'm struggling with some internal demons right now, I haven't been able to tell anyone exactly what's bothering me. I have a very specific fear that I can't seem to overcome, that there is no resolution to (I know that sounds dramatic, but it's true), and that I'm starting to think will hang over my head from now on.
The funny thing is, it's something that has always "freaked me out", and is/was the topic of a lot of nightmares, but for some reason it has morphed into this all consuming fear that hangs over me every single day, just sucking the joy out of almost everything. I can actually remember the exact date it suddenly became an almost obsessive thought.... and I now think of everything in terms of before and after that day. I thought (and hoped) at first that it was just a combination of PPD and my tendency for depression and OCD, but after over 4 weeks on medication (having it bumped to a double dose last week) I'm not sure that PPD has anything to do with it. I don't think anti-depressants are really the answer here.
Here's my problem. I don't want to talk to anyone about it because I don't want to give my fears a voice. Part of me feels that by bringing it up, I will somehow give it power. More specifically, I also fear that the anyone I talk to about it may inadvertently say something to make my fear worse, like "oh yeah, I think about that all the time and it really freaks me out too". While well meaning, it wouldn't make me feel any better. In fact, I know there's nothing anyone can say to ease my fears, because it's out of any one's control. It's not something that can really be faced, or solved. It just... is.
Even in those moments that I find laughter, there's a pit in my stomach because I am so afraid. This particular fear is everywhere. It's coming up in the news, was mentioned in 2 of the only television shows I watch, and was even part of a cartoon I had on in the background while I was cooking the other night. I can't escape it, solve it, face it, or control it in anyway, and I'm just tied up in knots. I panic whenever it's mentioned and have to close my eyes and tune everything out in order to avoid a full blown panic attack. It's all my power not to run to my bedroom and curl up in a ball. If I didn't have a sweet, sweet baby to look after, I would no doubt be exactly there 99% of the day.
I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to fight off the monsters in my head, and trying to avoid the monsters in real life. I just don't see a solution, and I'm so scared (and almost certain) that I'll have to live like this from now on. I want to start really enjoying life again... not just finding moments of joy among the anxiety.