Peace, Joy & Love

Christmas future is far away

Christmas past is past

Christmas present is here today

Bringing joy that may last

Have yourself a merry little Christmas.

 

Gratitudes

I saw my counselor/life coach (we'll call her P going forward) for the first time last week and I'm so glad that I decided to go with her.  We just.... clicked.  She's a little left of center, but then so am I, so I think we'll work well together.

Her home office was so peaceful and safe. I sat in the living room of her chalet style home, curled up on her couch, covered in a thick blanket, in front of the fireplace.  We talked for an hour and a half about my concerns, my background, my hobbies;  a general  getting to know you. She told me about herself, about what she has planned for my sessions, and we did some breathing work (which the yogi in me loves).

We didn't get into any of the nitty gritty quite yet, but she did assign me some "homework".  The first thing she asked me to do was to start a gratitude journal, focusing on what I am grateful for about myself.  Writing that I'm grateful for my daughter, my husband, my family, our health, my home? That would be easy. Finding what I'm grateful for about myself is HARD. She wants 5 a day, and I'm definitely reaching, but I can see the value in really searching for these things. Still though, it's difficult.

Secondly, I'm supposed to work on my breathing.  The yogi in me is very happy about starting to focus on this again. It really helps me clear my head for a moment, and I really need to make the effort here. It's amazing how good it can feel to stop for a moment, close your eyes and just take a few deep breaths.

I'm also supposed to track my internet usage. We talked about all the things I do to keep my mind busy and off of the bad stuff, and internetting is one of those things. Unfortunately, it's become a bit of an obsession, and it takes me away from doing other things, so it's something I'll have to learn to moderate. She also told me to turn off the TV (which I don't watch, but usually have on for background noise) and switch to some calming music (I have Christmas carols on right now), and she suggested that I nap with Adelaide as much as possible since it's the thing that I look forward to most in the day. It's also one of the only times that I get a restful sleep, because through the night I toss and turn like crazy.

I'm just hoping that she will help me address my specific fears, and hopefully teach me some coping mechanisms, since the "problem" itself can't be solved.  I'll know better how this will be handled over the next few sessions.

She's big on energy and calming the mind, which is perfect for me. We're also going to look at my diet and she'll help me to take a more holistic approach, which is GREAT because I've been wanting to do that anyway.

So, I'm still optimistic about it. I'll see her again this weekend (hooray for Sunday appointments), and we'll really get started. I do notice a difference just in knowing that I'm doing something to help myself. I'm definitely still battling some demons, but I'm finding more smiles through the day.

First Step?

I had an initial phone consult with a Life Coach/Counselor today and am feeling optimistic about it. I'll have my first full session with her on Friday and am really looking forward to it.

It was the first time I have really named my fears and spoken them out loud, and even that felt good. Hopefully this is the first step in the right direction.

My fears about fear

While I've been open and honest with my husband and parents that I'm struggling with some internal demons right now, I haven't been able to tell anyone exactly what's bothering me.  I have a very specific fear that I can't seem to overcome, that there is no resolution to (I know that sounds dramatic, but it's true), and that I'm starting to think will hang over my head from now on.

The funny thing is, it's something that has always "freaked me out", and is/was the topic of a lot of nightmares,  but for some reason it has morphed into this all consuming fear that hangs over me every single day, just sucking the joy out of almost everything. I can actually remember the exact date it suddenly became an almost obsessive thought.... and I now think of everything in terms of before and after that day.  I thought (and hoped) at first that it was just a combination of PPD and my tendency for depression and OCD, but after over 4 weeks on medication (having it bumped to a double dose last week) I'm not sure that PPD has anything to do with it. I don't think anti-depressants are really the answer here.

Here's my problem. I don't want to talk to anyone about it because I don't want to give my fears a voice. Part of me feels that by bringing it up, I will somehow give it power. More specifically, I also fear that the anyone I talk to about it may inadvertently say something to make my fear worse, like "oh yeah, I think about that all the time and it really freaks me out too".  While well meaning, it wouldn't make me feel any better. In fact, I know there's nothing anyone can say to ease my fears, because it's out of any one's control. It's not something that can really be faced, or solved.  It just... is.

Even in those moments that I find laughter, there's a pit in my stomach because I am so afraid. This particular fear is everywhere. It's coming up in the news, was mentioned in 2 of the only television shows I watch, and was even part of a cartoon I had on in the background while I was cooking the other night.  I can't escape it, solve it, face it, or control it in anyway, and I'm just tied up in knots.  I panic whenever it's mentioned and have to close my eyes and tune everything out in order to avoid a full blown panic attack.  It's all my power not to run to my bedroom and curl up in a ball.  If I didn't have a sweet, sweet baby to look after, I would no doubt be exactly there 99% of the day.

I'm tired.  I'm tired of trying to fight off the monsters in my head, and trying to avoid the monsters in real life.  I just don't see a solution, and I'm so scared (and almost certain) that I'll have to live like this from now on. I want to start really enjoying life again... not just finding moments of joy among the anxiety.

Possibly Turning A Corner?

I'm really reluctant to write this post, but I think I need to do it if for no other reason that the power of positive thinking.  I think I'm turning a corner emotionally. I'm certainly not 100%, but I'm having more and more good moments... not finding it quite so hard to get out of bed every single day.  I'm not feeling quite so hopeless.

I followed up with my doc this afternoon and she upped my dose of the antidepressant, and suggested that I speak with a professional (I'll be in contact with a Psychologist tomorrow). She wasn't quite satisfied that the medication was doing the job at the original dose, which was as low as it goes because I'm nursing.

I'm still being careful, trying not to expose myself to any triggers, but something is definitely changing. I just hope that this is the beginning of the end of this particular slump. I'm ready to start feeling better so I can enjoy the last 2 months of my maternity leave and go back to work in a positive frame of mind.

Waiting

I started taking the anti-depressant about a week ago. I was informed that it would take at least 2 weeks to start feeling any improvement and 6-8 weeks to reach full effect, so I'm waiting. 

Last week was bad. Really bad. Especially near the end of the week. I had this awful pit in my stomach and barely dragged myself out of bed. The fears I have right now are so irrational, I feel like a fool. Although irrational is perhaps the wrong word. In any case, they are completely, 100%, TOTALLY out of my control, or anyone else's at this point, and I wish I could let them go just for that reason. There's no use in living under their black cloud when I can't ever do anything about them, no matter how bad they might be.  I just can't seem to move on. These thoughts are constantly in the back of my mind, hovering over me 24/7, like a bad dream that I can't wake up from. It's really wearing on me. 

Fingers crossed that these pills do what they are supposed to. If I'm taking them, they better work. That's all I can say. I'm so ready to start feeling better, I'm just not having any luck on my own, not matter how hard I try.  

Doc's Orders

I went to see my family doc this week about my depression and anxiety. She basically confirmed what I was suspecting in that it's likely postpartum depression. She prescribed a (nursing safe) anti-depressant, and wants me to come back and see her at the beginning of November to check up on the situation.

I haven't filled the script yet because I'm nervous about taking anything while I'm breastfeeding (I'm nervous about taking most things in normal situations anyway). While my doctor assures me that it's safe, I'm going to do some research of my own just to ease my mind.

At least it's a start.

Admitting I Need Help

I have an amazing life.

I have a husband that defies all logic. He cooks, he cleans, he takes care of the yard, he waits on me hand and foot, he never gets mad at me, he actually argues with me over who gets to take care of the baby. He's amazing. 

I have a beautiful, healthy baby girl who is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. She's happy, and growing like a weed. She changes every day and makes me smile all the time. I really truly can't believe how much I love her.

I have a home, my awesome family is healthy, I have my pups and  I'm picking away at my degree.

My life sounds pretty good right? And it is. I know how lucky I am, and I wouldn't give them up for the world. But.....

I'm struggling.  This happens to me from time to time, and usually it passes.  Last year was an exception when I lost my job. I remember feeling like I was in a really deep hole that I just couldn't climb out of.  I don't ever want to get back to that low, it was the worst I've ever been, but at least at that point, I knew the reason for it. I knew, deep down, that one day I'd have a job again and I'd be able to "get over it".  This time, I can feel myself slipping into that hole again, with almost unbearable anxiety and depression over things that are completely out of my control and that there really may be no solution to.

I'm not sleeping, I'm on the verge of tears a lot of the time, my stomach is in knots, I have panic attacks.... and I can't concentrate. I'm simply having trouble finding any joy.  If it weren't for Adelaide, I'd probably be in bed under the covers for 99% of the day. She's my only reason to smile. 

I realize that it's time to get help. With my family's history of mental illness, I know that I can't let myself get worse without doing something.  I don't know what form of help I need yet, but I'm starting by talking to my doc.  I'm hoping she'll refer me to a Psychiatrist and I can go from there. I don't know if I'll need medication to handle things (I'd like to avoid that if possible) or if there are some coping strategies she might be able to help me with.

Something's gotta give.  I have to find a way to handle these thoughts and anxieties so that I can live my life and fully enjoy my daughter.  I'm willing to try anything to get back to "normal". 

My poor, sad blog.

I've clearly been neglecting my little blog this year. I was shocked to pop over and see that my last posts was so many months ago.  How things have changed since then.

Well, it's high time I start posting again. I'll reserve baby and parenting related stuff for my other blog (which I started for the sole purpose of having somewhere to get my thoughts on "paper") and try to start posting reviews and other random stuff here again.

I've missed it. I need it. So here it goes.

2011 in Review

2011 was a year of ups and downs to say the least. 

In February we decided to investigate moving out east or even overseas while I finished my business degree.  After much research I applied the UPEI and anxiously waited to hear back.  Unfortunately, because of the way the University handles transfer credits, I was unable to accept my position in their program without setting myself back by over a year academically.  We were definitely disappointed, and still talk often about moving there sometime soon.

In April we went on our first all-inclusive vacation to Cuba.  To say that we loved it would be the understatement of the century.  We enjoyed every single second of swimming, eating, drinking, relaxing, reading, snorkelling, scootering and sleeping, and we can't wait to go back.

In May, I attended my first book signing with Veronica Roth and Lauren Oliver.  I was a total spaz, but it was really cool and got me prepared for the nerdy adventure of a lifetime that was to come later in the year.



In July we spent Canada Day with Weezer and the ever incredible Tragically Hip.  They were fantastic as always, and it was the perfect way to celebrate being Canadian.



In August, we spent our vacation at "camp" with my Dad and step-mom just outside of Thunder Bay.  While we never seem to have great weather while we're there, it's still a ton of fun.  This year included boating, lots oc campfires, ghost hunting and definitely a lot of beer.  Unfortunately, I didn't take any pictures... but we really had a great time.

September brought with it an epic trip to Decatur (Atlanta) Georgia for the Decatur Book Festival.  It was a whirlwind weekend of book love, good friends, good food and nerdy wonderfulness.

I also spent a weekend refinishing my kitchen cupboards which, to most people, would be really boring... but I had wanted to get it done for 3 years, so it was really nice to finally accomplish the task I'd been dreading.



September also brought the most life altering piece of news I've ever received.....



nothing has been quite the same since that exact moment.

After the absolutely amazing news of September, October not only brought first trimester morning sicknss and exhaustion, but also the news that my job was being eliminated. The panic and then almost comatose state that followed brought the longest two months of my life.  It wasn't until December that I really started to pull out of it and get back to "normal". 

Luckily, November had it's high points as well.  First we had an epic trip to Staniel Cay (in the Bahama's) to attend my favorite Uncle's wedding.  I still haven't done a full post on that trip and really need to get around to it so I can record it for memory, but here's sneak peek.

Yep- those are swimming pigs.  In the wild.

Our cottages

And just one week after returning from our wonderful vacation, we got our first peek at this little thing....

Cute, right?... RIGHT?!

What do you mean it looks like a blob? I think it's the most adorable baby EVER.

December was jam packed with a crazy exam schedule and then the holidays... it just flew by.

So, here's to 2012.  The year that I start many new adventures.  The year I start a new career, the year I become a Mom and a year of many unknowns.  The one thing I know is that 2011 made me stronger, smarter and far more appreciate of the little things.  I what I've learned will last.

2011 in Books

I know this is late coming.  Actually drafted this blog almost 2 weeks ago and didn't publish... so here it is.

While I read disappointingly few books in 2011, I did have a great year in terms of some really great 4 and 5 star reads.  As always, I thought I'd recap my favorites, and some disappointments, of the year.

The Best of 2011 (5 star reads)

The Bronze Horseman - Paulina Simons

Delirium - Lauren Oliver

Divergent- Veronica Roth

Lola and the Boy Next Door- Stephanie Perkins

Water for Elephants- Sara Gruen

Anna and the French Kiss- Stephanie Perkins

Forever- Maggie Stiefvater

Disappointments of 2011

Crescendo (Hush, Hush # 2)- Becca Fitzpatrick

Shadow Hills - Anastasia Hopcus

Book Review- Belly Laughs: The Naked Truth About Pregnancy and Childbirth by Jenny McCarthy

The only word I can really think of to describe this book is cute.  It's not so much an educational book on pregnancy as it is a book to tell you that you're not alone.  It was refreshingly (and humorously) honest, and totally bang on in a lot of areas.  I had many "YES!" moments when she'd describe a symptom or emotion that I'd been feeling, but wasn't sure was normal.

The writing isn't spectacular, but I don't think that's the point. It's written in a conversational way that makes you feel like you're chatting with a girl friend over drinks, and you almost forget that you're reading.

It's an easy, short read that can be finished in one quick sitting, and for any one who, like me, is waiting for the "magic" of pregnancy to kick in (you know, like those women who loooooved being pregnant...???) it's reassuring to see that you're not the only one struggling a little.  Even for someone with the money and time for personal trainers and stylists and gym memberships, pregnancy wasn't always the miracle happy time that we're often led to believe that it is.  If the weight gain and exhaustion and emotions and self consciousness get the better of even a former Playmate, there may be hope for me yet.

I really recommend this to all women who are expecting or who are TTC.  BUT.... be prepared. She's crass, super blunt and she doesn't hold back. This book certainly isn't for the more conservative crowd. She tells it like it is, and I enjoyed it thoroughly.

My Christmas wish for everyone this year.....

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Let your heart be light

Next year all our troubles will be out of sight.

Update: Getting back in the (new) swing

So, with the exception of yesterdays poll, it's been over a month since my last post and yet again there have been many changes.  I'm at place now where I feel like I can share what was troubling me so, but I won't bother with the long and drawn out details.  Just  a general gist and an update.

At the beginning of October, I found out that I was going to be laid-off.  After a long and drawn out couple of weeks, I learned that they planned to keep me until the end of they year, but then I would be jobless.  This news on its own would normally have been difficult enough to hear, but it was shared with me exactly 7 days after I found out that I was expecting our first baby.  7 days of sheer,  over-the-moon joy (and shock) were replaced by panic and the most severe depression I've ever fallen into.  Then to add to it, I got very sick.  Exhaustion and nausea day in and day out. 

I knew that the pregnancy and its required time off with many doctors visits, impending maternity leave (etc.) made me a less than attractive candidate for new work.  To add to that, I applied for several jobs everyday for a month and only got one interview out of the whole batch.  I was so terrified that I was bringing this baby into the world at a time where I wouldn't be able to provide for him or her in the way that I had always planned.  How would I buy the supplies we need, or pay the bills, or even afford to buy maternity clothes?  All these questions weighed heavy on me to the point where I was having difficulty with normal day-to-day tasks.

But, by mid-November, after over a month of living in a state of total anxiety, the words of my parents and friends started to sink in. I realized that, regardless of what my job situation was or how much I worried, this baby was still coming in June and I needed to pull myself together.  I have an awesome family, a great husband, and we'll make this work.  It will be a struggle and I'm still terrified (and stressed), but I've been able to find the joy in my pregnancy again, and have started to function at a somewhat normal level. 

So, with work winding down (although there's talks of more temporary work with the same company after the holidays) I'm just trying to get prepared for the year or so to come.  Trying to work out a budget, trying to figure out what my options are in terms of a job... all that jazz.  It's still a work in progress, but there's a small part of me that excited for the unknown. It's the first time in my life that I haven't had everything planned out, and it's refreshing on some level.

So that's it. I'm coming back.  Slowly but surely.  And for all my followers, don't worry. I don't plan to bore you with endless details about my pregnancy and baby.  I've started a new blog for the express purpose of journaling my pregnancy.... and I don't expect followers.  Online friends, please don't feel pressured. It's just way for me to keep track on what I'm thinking and feeling.  I'm also throwing the odd belly picture in too.

Hopefully I'll be back to update on some book reviews and on what's gone on over the last few months; including a whirlwind trip to the Bahamas that I need to document before I forget the details.

Oh! And Happy Christmas Week.  It's my favorite time of the year.

Christmas Poll

I stole these questions from my friend Tameka.  I thought it might help to kick off Christmas week.

Whats Your Favorite Holiday Movie?

The Family Stone

Whats Your Favorite Christmas Color?

I love white. The snow, white lights... so pretty.

Do You Like To Stay in Your PJs Or Dress Up For Christmas?

I'm pretty casual on Christmas, but no PJs.  We do too much running around.

If You Could Only Buy One Person a Present This Year Who Would It Be?

My husband.  But it would kill me not to get something for my Mom.

Do You Open Your Presents Christmas Eve Or Christmas Morning?

Christmas morning.  My parents used to let us open one on Christmas Eve from time to time, but my husband is dead set against it.

Have You Ever Built a Ginger Bread House?

I want to say yes, but I'm not totally sure.  Probably.

What Do You Like To Do On Your Time off at Christmas?

Listen to Christmas music. Cook yummy food. Watch Christmas specials.  Read.

Any Christmas Wishes?

To find peace with all of the changes going on in our lives. 

Favorite Christmas Smell?

Turkey cooking at my Mom's.  It smells like home and happiness.

Favorite Christmas Meal Or Treat?

My Mom's mashed potatoes. They include cream cheese, cheddar cheese and sour cream, and are basically heaven (and a heart attack) on a plate.  Give me those and some plain turnip and I'm a happy girl.

Do you celebrate a holiday other than Christmas?

Nope- just Christmas.  Actually, I guess I technically celebrate Festivus (Seinfeld reference FTW- especially since I despise that show)

What are you doing for the holidays this year?

This week is full of festivities!  Tonight is a Christmas Social for a club my husband belongs to. I'm having Christmas lunch with some ladies tomorrow. Thursday is the annual Christmas dinner with my two besties.  Christmas Eve will be dinner with FIL's family.  Christmas Day is always a quiet Christmas morning with just us (Bub, myself and the dogs).  Christmas Day we will stop by to see MIL and then head to my Mom's for dinner.

What's your favorite holiday drink?

Cranberry and Gingerale

Eggnog

White Hot Chocolate

Candy cane or Gingerbread men?

Candy Cane- but only the fruity flavoured ones.

What's your favorite holiday/Christmas song?

The Christmas Song- Nat King Cole

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas - Judy Garland

It's the most wonderful time of the year - Andy Williams

What's the weirdest gift you've ever received?

My husbands grandmother gave us a joint gift one year.  It was a pink plastic purse. For both of us.

Have you ever made a snowman?

Of course, although not in a long time. It's practically a required childhood activity around here.

What is at the top of your list this Christmas? (or whichever holiday you celebrate!)

hmmm... clothes I think.  I'm down to 1 pair of jeans and 1 pair of yoga pants.  My next post will explain.

What is most important to you about the holidays?

The family time, with good food and traditions, is absolutely the best part about the holidays for me. I cherish it each and every year.

Weakness

*Please understand in advance what a rambling mess this post is. It's simply word vomit in an attempt to make sense of what I'm feeling. Followers- please don't feel it necessary to waste your time reading this.  It's purely for my own benefit*

Life is hard. 

The 21 days since my last post (and even the week before that) have been filled with a lot of tears, a ton of stress, and almost overwhelming sadness, for reasons that I'm not quite ready to delve into in detail yet. I'll just say that the last month has been, without a doubt, the most trying, exhausting and plain awful month of my life.  I'm trying to count my blessings, I really am. I have my health, I have my amazing family, and they have their health (a fact that, I assure you, does not escape me.  I understand how lucky I am in that way). BUT there's something about the way that my brain is wired that make the bad overshadow the good, and in this case, I can't seem to shake the darkness.

In a family of people who suffer from depression, I've had my share of "funks".  I'm not a stranger to overwhelming feelings of sadness which, most of the time, don't seem to have a specific cause.  Each time is awful in it's own way, but each time I've been able to fight my way through it with a chin up and carry on type of attitude.  It's definitely not easy, but I get through it.  This is different.  This one is really bringing me down, and it has me in a hole so deep I can't seem to find my way out.  I struggle through each day on the verge of tears, just praying for it to end so I can go back to bed.  I wake-up through the night, totally distraught, and then have a very hard time falling asleep.  I don't want to see my family, I can hardly bring myself to talk to my friends, I'm living in a disaster zone, and I haven't had fresh air in days.  I just don't care.

I know that many people would be able to just power through the situation I'm in. I also know that many people are going through a lot of things that they would say are much worse than what I'm dealing with.  I don't doubt that at all. I understand that allowing myself to get this deep into a depression over this is a huge indicator of my weaknesses. I don't need to be told that.  I think that's the biggest part of my problem right now. I'm coming to terms with my failures and poor decisions and the fact that I'm not, nor will I be, the person that I thought I was or that I wanted to be.  Turns out, that's a pretty tough thing to do.

I'm lost right now... and I'm exhausted.  I'm not really sure what to do with myself.  I need to get it together, I just can't figure out how.

Lola and the Boy Next Door

Oh Stephanie.... how is it that you write such swoon-worthy boys?  Is the boy in your real life the inspiration behind these crush inducing characters?  If so, congrats to you.  Seriously.

On Thanksgiving Monday I was feeling a little under the weather. Summer paid a final visit to Southern Ontario and the weather was absolutely perfect but I was lacking in energy to get out and enjoy it, so I opened all the windows in the house, grabbed my dogs and settled in bed with Lola for the day.  It was just what I needed.

I really adored this book.  I'm trying to decide if I loved it more or less than Anna, and I can't honestly decide.  It's a total toss up.  I think a re-read of both is in order so I can put the debate to rest once and for all (read: have an excuse to give my husband when he sees me pick these back up). 

Stephanie writes imperfect characters perfectly.  I really think the reason I love her books so much is that they seem totally and completely possible.  Like she's simply re-telling a story from her teen years.  All the characters have flaws, some more than others, and all of them evolve through the story in a very real way.  Love isn't always easy, and it's not always obvious, and Lola really captures that.  The romance is just sweet enough, with a little heartache thrown in, and that is my favorite kind of love story.

Cricket is simply perfection.  I love his dedication and loyalty to his sister, and I especially love that he's been pining for Lola all this time.  Like seriously, I think that was my fantasy from pre-teen up.  Who doesn't want an attractive, intelligent boy making moves for them?  I certainly wouldn't have minded.  Heck, I still wouldn't mind, provided the age was adjusted a little.

I don't think there was a character in this book that I didn't love and the setting, which is somewhere I've always wanted to visit, just drew me right in. I loved Lola most because it really touched on a lot of things that I wanted as a teen, and a lot of things that were important to me.  I ate it up and it left me hungry for more.

5 stars for sure. If you haven't read this yet, go do it now.  If you haven't read Anna and the French Kiss... why are you reading my blog? KIDDING! Kinda  ;)

Sweetly by Jackson Pearce

I'll start my review by saying that I really, really loved Sisters Red, and I really adore Jackson Pearce. Her vlogs and Twitter feed never fail to entertain me and I think she's someone who would be pretty cool to hang out with IRL.* It kind of baffles me that we're the same age. I feel like, she's got three published books with two more on the way and I, well.... what have I done?

I was more than excited to meet her at DBF and happily came home with my signed copies of Sisters Red and Sweetly. I was finally able to tuck in to the latter recently, and I was more than excited given my past love of Sisters Red.

Sweetly was a modern retelling of Hansel and Gretel, a story that I honestly didn't know a ton about other than what I learned from the short version I had as a child. But I loved Jackson's spin on Little Red Riding Hood, so I was excited to dive into this story.

I have to admit that, with the exception of the beginning of the book, I didn't fully get the connection to Hansel and Gretel. It seemed to be a pretty big deviation from the original story, at least what I know of it. It was less a modern retelling, more a story inspired by a fairytale. That being said, I enjoyed it and it was a fun read with some very interesting characters, and I would recommend it to others for sure. I just didn’t love it the way I thought I would and admittedly, it’s quite possible that my expectations were way too high, and that some personal stuff going on in my life while I was reading this kept me from really enjoying it the way I could have otherwise. I just couldn’t quite give it 4 stars, but it was so, so, so close.

If there’s one thing Jackson can write, it’s an awesome bond between siblings. I loved Ansel and Gretchen’s relationship and how they relied on each other, and knew each other so intensely. Individually, Gretchen was a pretty interesting character too. Lots of scars from the past and yet still pretty badass. Her conflicting feelings about Sophia were my some of my favorite parts to read (next to the steamy little side romance that was a lot of fun too).

Not a real complaint, just an observation: I would really have loved to get a little more insight into what’s happening with Rosie, Scarlett and Silas. I know it would be sort of pointless, and wouldn’t have contributed anything meaningful to the plot, but I’m nostalgic like that.

In the end it was a good read that’s would be perfect for a little rainy afternoon escapism. I’m looking forward to Fathomless which is based on the original Little Mermaid story and is the final in the retelling series. If you like fantasy-type stories set in the “real-world”, I suggest you pick up both this and Sisters Red.



*Is that weird of me to say? I'm totally NOT a stalker. I promise.

My fresh new kitchen

*disclaimer- all photos were taken with my phone... so they're not so great.  We'll have to deal.*

Lately, it feels like the walls of my house are closing in around me. After 3 years, it feels like none of the rooms are actually "done", with the exception of my office and the powder room on the main floor. I don't love any of the rooms and nothing is exactly as I want it. All re-decorating projects for the other rooms are started, but nothing had been completed.  I'm either waiting to find that perfect piece of furniture, or I've been putting off doing anything because, well.... I'm lazy. 

When we moved into our house 3 years ago, our kitchen cupboards were the originals (our house was 19 years old) and two drawers were missing from the bank.  We thought it would be easy to replace the drawers, but we were VERY wrong, and we didn't have the money (or desire) to replace all the cupboards.  We finally had someone come in and make custom drawers for us, that sat unpainted, for months. Finally, this past weekend I decided it was time to freshen them up. 

So began operation make my house lovable.

Bubba helped me take the doors off before he left on Saturday morning.  You can see in the below picture they they are cheap melamine, with the typical late eighties wooden handles.

As you can see, I'm not great at cupboard organization.

Luckily it was a super nice weekend weather wise, so I was able to setup my project in the backyard. With the heavenly help of my super handy Mom, I scrubbed each door with TSP, sanded it, scrubbed again, primed with super sticky primer and then painted.

(note: the above picture was taken approximately 2 minutes before Lola ran across the drying doors on that towel, towards the open sliding glass door to the house, with paint covered feet.  In reaction, I knocked over that table, including the full can of white primer.  Awesome)

It took us the better part of Saturday and Sunday, but by Monday morning they were dry and ready to be re-hung.  Bub tackled that, with the help of his Dad, while I was at work.  They also attached new hardware!

I came home to this:

I'm so happy with them.  They're not perfect, but if I had a proper before picture, you would understand how much better this looks.  It's just much cleaner.

So, what's left in the kitchen?  New table, new window coverings and a new dishwasher.  So, lots to do still, but this is definitely one big step closer to being happy with my house for the next couple of years.

The Bronze Horseman by Paullina Simons

*WARNING: While I promise not to spoil any of the major plot points, I can't talk about this book without some small spoilers*

I loved this book so much! It has been so long since I've read something that has affected me this deeply.  I experienced a huge range of emotions while making my way through this tale.   The story of Tatiana and Alexander is truly heartbreaking, wonderful, beautiful, sad and breathtaking.   I couldn't stop reading it, and yet I had to set it down because my heart couldn't take another page.  Incredible.

Their love grew organically enough to be 100% believable, and yet so intensely that you couldn't help but to be wrapped up in it.  Unlike a typical romance, this was not an overnight love... but it was overwhelming and passionate and the kind you can't live without.  I adored it.

Alexander was, simply, perfection.  From the moment we meet him standing across the street watching Tania eat her ice cream, to the very last pages of the book, I ate him up and fell a little in love with him myself.  Perfection.

I found Tatiana's character very difficult to peg.  In the opening pages of the story, I thought she was a young child.  Through her survival struggle in Leningrad, she seemed much older,  and then at the cabin by the river, she seemed like that child again.  It was really interesting how her circumstances changed her actions and reactions.  When she needed to grow up, she could, but she could still find that young girl when she needed to.

Beyond the epic love story though, there was the story of Leningrad and a story of war.  That, on its own, was heartbreaking to read about.  The detail made the story seem to so real that I found myself actually dreaming about some of the horrors faced by those trying to survive the war in Leningrad.  It had some of the same elements of one of my deepest fears- the end of the world. I know that sounds dramatic, but I'm terrified of that feeling of your whole world crashing down on you, and simply waiting to die in surroundings that were once familiar and full of life.  That's the ultimate in fear for me and they were living it in Leningrad.

In all, the writing is superb, the story is excellent, the characters are wonderful, and the love is heart wrenching. I loved this book and I can't wait to dive in to the next.